by Lim Swee Chen
Counsellor / Parenting Coach

Beyond Anger: Recognising the Hidden Feelings That Fuel It

"I’m so angry, I don’t know what to do with myself." "It feels like anger is the only emotion I know." "Anger always hits me first, and I lose control before I even realise it." "I was so upset I couldn’t think straight."

Do any of these statements sound familiar? Whether in therapy/counselling sessions or everyday conversations, I often meet individuals who struggle with emotional awareness and regulation. Many feel overwhelmed by how frequently and intensely anger appears. Some are frustrated by how quickly it flares up, while others feel a deep sense of shame about their outbursts and the aftermath. The common thread? Anger is an emotion that’s easy to spot, but it’s rarely the whole story.

Anger tends to be the most visible part of our emotional spectrum. It's a reaction that often shows up first, demanding our attention. But what if anger is just the surface—just the tip of the iceberg, concealing a much deeper sea of emotions beneath?

The Iceberg of Anger: What Lies Beneath?

Imagine an iceberg floating in the ocean. Anger is what you see above the surface—the sharp, obvious reaction. But below the waterline, the mass of emotions hidden underneath can be vast. The emotions that fuel or accompany anger often go unrecognised. It may feel like you’re only experiencing anger, but in reality, other feelings are simmering below, driving that fiery response. Here are some emotions that might be lurking beneath your anger:

• Sadness

• Disappointment

• Loneliness

• Overwhelm

• Embarrassment

• Hurt

• Helplessness

• Physical Pain

• Frustration

• Insecurity

• Hunger

• Grief

• Anxiety

• Stress

• Feeling Threatened

• Fatigue

• Contempt

• Guilt

• Jealousy

• Fear

• Shame

It’s common for anger to mask these deeper emotions. You might not realise you’re feeling hurt, insecure, or anxious until the anger subsides. Sometimes, anger is a way to protect yourself from feeling more vulnerable emotions like fear, shame, or sadness. It acts as a shield, allowing you to express something—anything—without confronting feelings that make you uncomfortable or leave you feeling exposed.

Anger Outbursts: Like Boiling Water

Imagine all your stress, frustrations, and emotions as water in a pot. The more stress and unaddressed feelings you add, the more pressure builds. Eventually, the water boils over—and that explosion is your anger outburst. The heat has been rising beneath the surface for a while, but anger bursts out in response to the emotional pressure quietly building up. If you don't address what's in the pot—your deeper emotions—you risk sudden outbursts that seem to come from nowhere but are fuelled by what’s been bubbling away for some time.

Why Do I Only Feel Anger?

If you seem to only feel anger, you might wonder why other emotions are so hard to access. The answer often lies in what you’ve learnt about emotions growing up. In many families and cultures, anger is seen as a more acceptable emotion to express than others. You might have been taught, consciously or unconsciously, that it’s better to be angry than to show sadness, fear, or insecurity. In some cases, anger becomes the default emotion, overshadowing the rest of your emotional experience.

This is especially true for men, who are often socialised to view anger as the only acceptable form of emotional expression. Showing fear, sadness, or vulnerability can be viewed as weakness in certain communities. As a result, men may suppress other emotions, letting anger rise to the surface instead. While this pattern isn’t exclusive to men, it’s a common theme in mental health work that deals with anger and emotional regulation.

Anger Myths: What We Get Wrong

There are several myths about anger that influence how we understand and manage it. Here are a few common misconceptions:

• "Anger is a bad emotion." Anger is not inherently bad. It’s a natural and healthy emotion when expressed constructively. The key is learning to manage it effectively.

• "If I let myself feel anger, I’ll lose control." Many fear their anger because they believe it will overpower them. But suppressing anger can lead to bigger emotional outbursts later on. Acknowledging and processing anger in healthy ways allows you to release it before it builds up.

• "I need to avoid feeling anger at all costs." Avoiding anger doesn’t make it go away. It just pushes it down, where it can quietly simmer until it eventually boils over. Avoidance can lead to unresolved emotional conflict and stress.

• "People won’t like me if I express anger." It’s not the anger itself but how you express it that can affect your relationships. When you handle your anger with respect and communicate your feelings constructively, others are more likely to respond with empathy.

What Does Your Anger Mean?

Anger is often a signal, a messenger trying to tell you something important. What is your anger trying to communicate? At its core, anger may represent unmet needs or emotions that haven’t been properly addressed. Some possible emotional needs that anger could signal include:

• A need for more understanding or respect in a relationship

• A desire for safety, whether physical or emotional

• Frustration from unmet goals or expectations

• Emotional pain that hasn’t been acknowledged

• A lack of boundaries or the feeling that personal boundaries have been violated

When you explore the deeper needs behind your anger, it becomes easier to understand where the emotion is coming from and how to address it constructively.

Should I Vent My Anger?

Recent research from Ohio State University published in March 2024 reveals that venting anger isn't effective; rather, calming activities like deep breathing and mindfulness work better. The study, which analysed over 150 studies involving over 10,000 participants, shows that increasing arousal through activities like jogging can exacerbate anger. Brad Bushman states, “To reduce anger, it is better to engage in activities that decrease arousal levels...even going for a run is not an effective strategy because it increases arousal levels and ends up being counterproductive.”

The findings challenge the belief that expressing anger helps in coping, suggesting that lowering physiological arousal is key to managing feelings of rage. Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness not only help reduce anger but are also accessible and cost-effective. With many people facing stress, understanding that strategies for managing stress can also address anger is particularly useful.

Conclusion

Anger is a powerful emotion, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding the deeper emotions beneath your anger and practising healthy management techniques, you can navigate this intense feeling more effectively. It’s possible to break the cycle of frustration and move towards a more balanced emotional life. Schedule a session with me at The Counselling Place and take the next step towards self-discovery.

About the author

Swee is a seasoned counsellor and parenting coach at The Counselling Place Singapore. With over 7 years of clinical experience, Swee supports individuals and parents coping with various challenges. She is also certified in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Women’s Reproductive Mental Health, and crisis intervention (ASIST).

She fosters a safe, non-judgmental space for self-empowerment and growth, with a special interest in working with trauma, relationships, mental wellness, domestic violence, and LGBTQ+ issues.