By Paula Brunning

Counsellor / Parenting Coach

The word burnout is most often associated with the workplace, when there is ongoing excess stress, little support and a sense of misaligned energy output that leads to high levels of dissatisfaction and increasing withdrawal. Maslach’s burnout model includes three key components: emotional exhaustion, depersonalisation and a reduced perception of personal accomplishment. The World Health Organisation describes it as a vital state of exhaustion. Does any of that sound familiar?

In the last two decades, there has been research around the concept of burnout in parenting. It has been described as “feeling overwhelmed, physical and emotional exhaustion, emotional distancing from one’s children, and a sense of being an ineffective parent”.

Disrupted sleep patterns, unwanted changes in weight and turning to food, alcohol or other substances to manage feelings of overwhelm are signs that you may be struggling. Any typcial parent has a lot of responsibilities and unfortunately, in modern society, parenting has become a high pressure situation for many. Those with mobile lifestyles may add feelings of isolation to the list of challenges they face. If your child has special needs or you have parenting concerns that put you on high alert more often than not, you may be more susceptible to stress that does not have healthy interruptions for proper regulation. In other words, you may experience chronic stress. Burnout is possible without effective stress management.

Managing Burnout

Parenting is also a 24 hour, 7 day a week job. So if the potential for burnout is real, how can we avoid it while still doing this job? Shifting our mindset and being very intentional with some key points we have control over can make all the difference.

Let’s tackle some ways to deal with the emotional exhaustion component first.

We have the power to pause. Pausing looks like regularly checking in with yourself. Pause and notice what you are experiencing without judgement.

Here are three practical strategies that busy parents can try to take a pause:

S.T.O.P.

The STOP method provides a structure that can be useful to follow: S-literally, stop. T-take a deep breath, letting your outbreath extend longer. Breathing helps you tune in to your current experience. O-observe what you are thinking and feeling. Decide if it is helpful or useful, and if not what could be? P-proceed with intention.

H.A.L.T.

As parents we may go go go and overlook our basic self- care. Implement HALT as part of your pause. Ask yourself, am I Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? If yes, how can I address that need?

BODY SCAN

Take a moment to mentally check from head to toe how you are doing. This moment of stillness may just give you the permission you need to notice yourself, release a little tension or make a note for some more intentional self-care later.

What are some things we can do tackle depersonalisation?

Recognize that parenting is hard

Family life can be messy and unpredictable. You are not doing anything wrong by finding this challenging.

Believe that self-care is healthy

Reframing self-care from something that is selfish to something that enables you to be your good-better-getting-there-best parent self can be an enourmous hurdle and one that is worth striving for. Self-care can mean taking time to do something you find joy in like painting or reading, getting exercise, having some social time. It does not need to be expensive or take hours. In fact the more accessible it is the more likely you are to do it. Self-care gives you permission to care of yourself so you are in a healthy mindset to care for others.  

Managing the perception of personal accomplishment

Embrace the concept of good enough

Parenting is an act, a repeating act, of showing up in a responsive way. There is no one single way, no perfect. When we embrace the concept of good enough we can be more accepting of how we are fulfilling our role.

Good enough also helps as move through parenting changes since at every developmental stage parenting looks different so inevitably parents need to shift their focus perhaps continually feeling on a learning curve. When we decide we are being good enough, we show up for our children as we are and that in itself has value.

As a good enough parent, you respond to your child by being empathic. As a good enough parent you are not responsible for everything and you don’t create scenarios to stop your children experiencing difficult situations or challenging emotions. As a good enough parent, you are warm and sensitive to your children’s needs and released from needing to manage every detail of their life. It enables you to relax and enjoy the relationship with your child and allows them to build skills.

Build a team of support around you

Raising children well does not happen in isolation. In fact, as kids get older, a key protective factor for teens moving into young adulthood with strong emotional health includes having two people aside from their parents that demonstrate care and interest in them. Although it may seem that modern parenting asks us to do it all on our own, that is not healthy for us nor for our children. Be proactive in reaching out, opening up and possibly even creating groups you can seek support from and give support to others. Your neighborhood, community center and school may be ideal places to start. Team up with a friend or a neighbor for company, family celebrations, book or toy swaps or to attend a fun local event together.

Know yourself and seek professional support when needed

We can achieve more with the right support and professional counselling can be that 1:1 to help you be at your best. Burnout is when you don’t have what you need, in support or resources. Counselling can assist you in uncovering strengths and resources, reframe challenges and help you return to wellness. Since parenting is relational, the health of you as a parent does impact your child, so taking care of yourself will definitely help you take care of your family. If you have questions about parenting or parenting coaching, connect with me at The Counselling Place Singapore.