by Shifan Hu-Couble
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach

Are you caring for yourself for real? The four principles of real self-care

Self-care is a buzzword. Self-care is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. COVID-19 has brought self-care to the top of every individual and company’s priority list: meditation, juice detox, sound bath, breath work, ice-bath, yoga retreat: the list is endless. There is always a new self-care activity or gadget around the corner for the eager-minded to try out.  Self-care has become a motivation to consume and purchase more than ever.

Yet, we are feeling increasingly anxious and stressed in the modern world. So, what is the problem?

In her latest book Real Self-Care: Bubble Baths, Cleanses and Crystals Not Included, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin contrasts real self-care to faux self-care —a $4.4 trillion wellness industry — in the form of quick, externally oriented fixes like wellness retreats and bubble baths, which end up being “empty calories” that are “devoid of substance.”  According to Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, faux self-care – as the name suggests- only keeps you in a perpetual loop looking for the next fix without addressing the root cause of the stress you are experiencing in the first place.

A faux self-care strategy acts as a temporary relief from perceived stress. After experiencing a brief sense of relief, without addressing the source of the stressor, we would continue to experience the same stress, only we would need more self-care for the same amount of relief.  In other words, we build tolerance for our existing self-care strategy. For example, a short weekend get-away no longer seems to relief your work stress, so you might need longer holidays; or a daily yoga session no longer calms your nerves down, so you might need a full-week yoga retreat. You get the picture. It is a self- perpetuating cycle that never ends.

Now we know what faux self-care looks like, how is real self-care different?

In the book, Dr Lakshmin defines real self-care as an internal process that involves making difficult decisions that will pay off tenfold in the long run as a life built around the relationships and activities that matter most to you…It involves setting boundaries, learning to treat yourself with compassion, making choices that bring you closer to yourself, and living a life aligned with your values.

Real self-care is predicated on four principles: boundaries, compassion, values and power. Let’s dive in.

Real self-care requires you to set boundaries

Your boundaries define who you are as a person: what you stand for and what is important to you. Setting boundaries takes real work, practice and repetition. It is uncomfortable to set boundaries as it requires you to take relational risks and confront conflicts. For example, when your colleague pushes yet another piece of work to you that is not within your job scope, setting a boundary requires you to say no to that request risking a possibility of relational rupture. However, if you fail to set boundaries and validate your needs, no amount of bubble baths can take care of your well-being.

Real self-care starts with self-compassion

We all have inner critics. Constant criticism and shame are not about care. When we do not hesitate to reward ourselves with retail therapy, we struggle with being compassionate with ourselves when we are struggling. For instance, if you didn’t set a boundary with a co-worker like you wish you had, instead of saying “I am useless”, you can say “I am learning and I can take my time.”

Real self-care urges you to examine your values which bring you closer to yourself

This third principle requires you to examine your value system: what is important to you and whether your decisions align with your values. If they don’t, then it’s worthwhile considering what you can change or do differently. In other words, are your actions and decisions in alignment with your core values? For instant, my client Sarah values meaningful relationships. However, her busy work schedule has kept her away from her family and friends for quite a while. She came to my office feeling burnout and alienated. Regular yoga sessions help to relieve her fatigue briefly but the feeling of being drained return quickly. As we examine her core values and her daily actions, we identify the misalignment between her time away from her loved ones and her valuing relationships. She starts to re-prioritize her relationships by saying no to some unnecessary work, and afterwork client dinners. This re-alignment is an example of real self-care.

Last but not least, real self-care empowers you

A sense of agency is an innate human need. We need to feel that we have a certain level of control of our lives to experience a sense of well-being. However, this sense of agency can get lost in the maze of working for someone else, being a caregiver, or any other circumstance that leads to feeling a loss of self. Reminding yourself to exercise your own power and make personal changes where and when you can is empowering. It helps you to gain a sense of control over your life and your decisions, ultimately becoming a protective factor against the common risks of anxiety and depression.

About the author

Shifan is an experienced counsellor, parenting coach and psychotherapist at The Counselling Place Singapore. With expertise in trauma and parenting issues, she supports clients in English, Mandarin, and Cantonese.

Shifan integrates talk therapy with body-based modalities like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. Her unique blend of corporate and therapeutic experience empowers individuals, couples, and parents to navigate cross-cultural relationships, heal childhood trauma, and foster secure attachments.