By Jumh Tantri

Counsellor / Career Coach / Parenting Coach

Throughout my 8 years of experience providing psychotherapy to different nationalities and ages, the common mental illnesses that my clients have had are anxiety and depression. In Singapore, these two mental illnesses are also among the top 5.

In this article, we will focus on the mental illness of anxiety. Before we proceed further if you managed to catch the movie "Inside Out 2", you know the moral story is that anxiety is not a bad emotion. In the movie, the emotion 'anxiety' became out of control while genuinely trying to help based on its perspective. Personally, I have always emphasized to my clients that all emotions are neither good nor bad but neutral. The crux of the matter remains how an individual can manage or regulate their emotions.

Based on my observation and hypothesis, the reason why anxiety is very common is because it has to do with the attachment type individuals have adopted since they are young as they grow up. In my article ‘Parenting in Styles’, I have shared the 4 types of attachment type that individuals have adopted since young consciously and unconsciously. The two types of attachment type that can perpetuate and trigger anxiety easily in individuals' lives are anxious (ambivalent/preoccupied) attachment and disorganized (fearful-avoidant) attachment.

Attachment Styles linked to Anxiety

anxious (ambivalent/preoccupied) attachment

For anxious (ambivalent/preoccupied) attachment, individuals will face issues like the fear of rejection, and abandonment, depending on spouse / partner for validation and emotional regulation and codependent tendencies. This attachment stems from how individuals as a child experienced inconsistent parenting which is not attuned to their needs as a child. They grew up having difficulty in comprehending their caregivers/parents hence it causes them to develop insecurity in forming expectations towards what is to come. In addition, they are confused within their parental relationship and often feel unstable. Individuals who grow up as a child with this attachment style experience very high distress when their caregivers leave. At one point, their parents can be responsive and supportive, and at another time, they can suddenly become unattuned to them. It becomes unpredictable and causes them to develop habits of second-guessing what their parents can do for them hence the need for continual assurance is one of the common traits individuals with this attachment style develop.

The parents/caregivers of individuals with this attachment style often swap around between overly coddling and becoming detached or indifferent; easily overwhelmed; attentive and suddenly shooing you away; lastly, children are forced to be responsible for how they feel. The possible signs that individuals with this anxious attachment style may exhibit are finding difficulty in trusting others, intense fear of rejection, significant fear of abandonment, feeling unworthy of love, low self-esteem, difficulty being alone, jealous tendencies, needing approval from others, highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived) and clingy tendencies. Individuals with anxious attachment styles often feel unworthy of love and need constant reassurance from their partners. There is a deep-rooted fear of being abandoned, rejected, or alone.

disorganized attachment

For disorganized attachment, the common root causes for this are childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Fear of their parents (their sense of safety) is included too. Children of this attachment often display a confusing mix of behaviors and they can seem disoriented, dazed, or confused. They will avoid or resist the parent. The possible signs are fear of rejection, high levels of anxiety, contradictory behaviors, inability to regulate emotions, difficulty trusting others, and signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

Individuals with this attachment style are inclined to exhibit unpredictable and confusing behavior where they will alternate between being aloof and independent and being clingy and emotional. The common sign is while they desperately yearn for love, they also have the tendency to push partners away because of the fear of love. They perceive that they are always rejected yet not closing the door for emotional intimacy. The cycle of fearing for emotional intimacy yet consistently trying to attain then only to reject it again. They also perceive their partners as unpredictable while they too behave similarly within their relationships because of the need to wrestle with the need for security and fear.

Strategies to Regulate Anxiety

Some of the ways I have suggested to my clients to better regulate their anxiety are as follows:

4-7-8 breathing techniques

This technique helps to trigger your body's relaxation response. It involves breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the breath for 7 seconds, and exhaling for 8 seconds. This breathing pattern aims to reduce anxiety or help people get to sleep. It is a form of pranayama, which is the practice of breath regulation. If holding your breath can be too long for you, you can modify it to 5 seconds. The link is here -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpSkoXRrZnE&ab_channel=TheLiveLoveLaughFoundation for the beginning and easier to practice.

Stop sign

close your eyes and imagine a stop sign with a red background and a big “STOP”. Tell yourself to follow the stop sign and stop every thought that is causing you to feel anxious at once! If you find difficulty in imagining, you can start off by getting a portable prototype stop sign to help you get used to envisioning it.

Call bell

whenever you feel anxious, press that bell to remind you to stop entertaining thoughts that trigger your anxiety. Conditioning yourself that whenever your anxiety arises, you will recall that sound after you have diligently nurtured the art of staying calm and in the present.

Self-talk reframing

whenever you feel overwhelmed with thoughts that produce anxiety, you tell yourself that it is not your first time and things are not as bad as you think, and they will turn out to be. Remind yourself to stay in the present and flow with the flow whatever things should happen. Keep practicing.

Finally, some of the methods may sound alien to you and you may find it awkward to try but when desperate help is needed, you do whatever it takes to call for desperate measures. I have worked with individuals suffering from OCD, OCPD, PTSD, and anxiety due to childhood traumas and abuse. They have worked with me to find tailored interventions that can calm and soothe them when the anxiety strikes. These are just a few ways and my message to you is to seek professional counselling help with a Psychologist, Counsellor, or Psychotherapist who is skilled to help you visualize your situation and explore ways with tailored interventions to help you cope better.

Book a counseling session with me at The Counselling Place Singapore to attain insights or guidance in navigating the struggle of anxiety and to mindfully stay in the present.