by Jumh Tantri
Counsellor / Career Coach / Parenting Coach

Apologies vary but intention must be genuine. Your logic does not always equate to others’ logic.

Assumption has always been a killer in all relationships, and they often creep in through text messages where they often are the main culprits for causing misunderstandings unnecessarily. Individuals would just take things for granted without realizing they can be wrong and not always right hence it is safer than being sorry to discuss important matters via face-to-face talk to observe the non-verbal cues from the other party, even hear the intonation which can make a major difference in how you perceive what the other party is thinking, feeling or behaving. Many times, people would resort to assumption thinking that the party should know how things are supposed to work; to navigate and the worst part is the belief that the other party should know what and how we are thinking based on our worldview as though they are "God" to predict our every thought. Often, individuals would justify with "It is so logical. Why can't you get it?" However, no matter how logical you can view the situation it is never logical to other people because everyone has different perspectives and worldviews. Thus, it is important to clarify to understand whether both parties are in the same frequency. Most of the time, relationships are dynamic and fluid and to use logic to justify how things should unfold will only drive you insane.

The concept of 5 love languages by Gary Chapman should ring a bell to many of us. While this concept has helped save countless marriages, another concept that is developed by him is equally important. This concept of 5 ways of apologies would also help individuals or couples to navigate in their relationships especially oftentimes we may assume our partners or friends have already moved on from certain incidents/situations that upset them.

The 5 ways of apologies are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness.

1. Expressing regret

the idea of saying "I'm sorry" can be seen as straightforward but still many individuals out of pride may find it unnecessary to do it and the worst is when individuals justify using the term "words are cheap" so they feel that there is not a need to say sorry but express through acts to prove that you are indeed sorry. They are not wrong hence that way is making restitution which you will see coming. Stay with me… this type of apology consists of individuals elaborating on the hurtful effects of your actions and showing remorse. Another case is one says sorry only if they got caught which can be daunting and unacceptable to most people as though they are being betrayed. It gets worse especially if they have experienced it before. You will know if your apology language is expressing regret when you want someone to acknowledge the hurt, they caused; to genuinely express that they regret their actions; you want to feel validated in your emotions. 

2. Accepting responsibility

This type of apology involves individuals adopting an earnest attitude to admit that they were wrong to do what they did through confession and acknowledgment. In addition, individuals need to name the mistake, to explain what they did wrong and why it was wrong. It is extremely difficult to say, 'You are right' than 'I am wrong' (unless you have high self-esteem, and don't need to compare yourself with others). However, the latter surely carries more weight, and this can be your apology language if you want someone to take ownership of the hurt they caused; desire someone to clearly state what they did wrong, to prove they can learn from the mistake; excuses are strictly prohibited but owning the mistakes for rectification is the way to go.

3. Making restitution

This type of apology involves individuals finding ways to “right the wrong”, making efforts to rectify and correct the situation. It is commonly seen that if something is lost, broken, or damaged, the culprit offers to replace the item or pay for the inconvenience. In a serious event where an individual is deeply betrayed the culprit who did it will try to make it up to the victim. This can be your apology language if you want someone to prove they're willing to correct the problem like “putting their money where their mouth is” for a real transaction to occur; the inevitable fact that the perpetrator by hook or crook to “make things right again”; wanting someone to spearhead the affected situation.

4. Genuinely repenting

This type of apology expects an outcome like a change of behaviour so saying sorry is insufficient hence this is what they called the need to show actions including positive real outcomes which require problem-solving, and excuses are strictly prohibited. Sincerity is often shown through making an effective and specific plan for change. You may have this type of apology if you need evidence that someone is growing and working toward change; you need assurance that the perpetrator won't commit the same mistake again; "don't speak, act" mindset.  

5. Requesting forgiveness

This type of apology is where individuals give the affected ones to have time to process their hurt before assuming everything is back to its origin. An individual would say, "I'm so sorry for letting you down. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?" and place the power back into the hands of the hurt part. Most of the time individuals won't refuse an apology altogether but there is room for them to make exceptions including the need for repentance or restitution. It can be your apology language if you are in dilemma for reconciliation yet; need more from the apology and want the space to ask for it; it may seem like a "play hard to get" situation where an individual wants to know the party is willing to wait until you are ready to forgive but it is simply giving space to calm down and process if this relationship is a priority as well.